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Due to the current financial situation and future mergers of some Regions, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT Scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have not been RAPED or Shafted will be reviewed under the SCREW Scheme (System of Culling for Remaining Eligible Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, Shafted twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependent or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives the employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your supervisor. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
A Prophylactic
Manager
Human Remains Branch
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT Scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have not been RAPED or Shafted will be reviewed under the SCREW Scheme (System of Culling for Remaining Eligible Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, Shafted twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependent or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives the employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your supervisor. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
A Prophylactic
Manager
Human Remains Branch
